Being Possessive and Selfish

chakky's picture

Why are you possessive? What right do you have to want all the attention? Why do you selfishly hamper the growth of someone you love so much? You are an Egotist! Because of this you will never be happy! You always think of things you have done for others..there is no use thinking I can't change and the world should change for me!

I always assumed it was the end product of Ego, selfishness or jealousy that we ended up being decisively possessive, even when we know deep in our heart, there is trust. Though these were the only reasons I could think off on why I would be possessive; I know it was never the first two. The third to a degree, yes; but I could not exactly point to it as the sole reason. But I never expected this postmortem theory before.

Have you ever been asked a question, "Why do you suspect even when you know I am there for you?"

I never could answer it successfully.I always fretted because I could never fathom why even after years of knowing someone, it took but a moment to feel insecure or feel like a stranger in front of that person. There are very few people I feel so blindly secure to express everything.

My experiences are teaching me love is just a feeling, it does not even take much time for someone to lose it after you move away.
Possessiveness is temporary. When you get a car, your bike no longer feels so important to you. The bike becomes your spare transportation used for very specific uses, else not taken care off. I sometimes feel like that bike in many people's life today..

Familiarity truly breeds contempt. People who know you well, stop believing in your abilities and instead focus more on your expected mistakes and you no longer have a chance to change because they keep expecting the same set of failures each time you try.

I still never understood my possessiveness or why I felt bad when I was not attended to by people whom I felt I have had a strong bond with. I even never understood why though I believed in God, I never expected much from HIM. I have my own idea about God but it never seems to match with my family's expectations on how I should go about it.

A Nun came home to meet my granny. As usual my granny all proud of her grandson, kept whining about me not finding a wife and asked her to pray for my wedding. The Nun prayed and she had a vision. She asked Granny to call me immediately.

I innocently went to meet them and happily we had a general chit chat about how life was. The matter as usual shifted to my marriage and then it started;

Shyla Aunty, "This Lijoe whichever girl he sees he never likes and finds
fault with her."
Granny, " He says he wants a model like Aishwariya Rai but he never looks into the mirror to see how he looks!"
Shyla Aunty, " Even if we try to select a girl for him, he never likes it. He always wants to see the photo first even though we all know photos are not the true self."
Granny," Eda, its not the looks, its her behaviour and inside that matters."
Granny further adds," I am 85 years Mary Sister, I do not know how much longer will I live and before I die I want to see this grandson whom I brought up married and happily settled in life!."

At this Mary Sister turned to me and said, "Lijoe what is your demands? How much do you want as dowry?"

I smiled for the umpteenth time, controlling my rage within," I don't know
aunt, I always look for someone who I should feel mutually comfortable with." She then continued, " Be more specific. Engineers, Doctors, Lawyers, Housewives entha?"

This tirade of questions continued with granny and aunt chipping in what my possible reasons are till Mary Sister asked questions to granny regarding my childhood. Something which I have very vague memories off.

"Amechi, when Lijoe was born, was there delay when he was delivered?" My grandma said she does not know but after 40 days of being born, his parents gave him to her for taking care and till 3 years, she had proudly brought him up.

At this Mary Sister nodded and then turned asking me, " Lijoe, when you
meet a person, do you ask a lot of questions- important, silly, irrelevant, family etc? Do you try to understand the inside out of the person before you form your judgement? I am not asking just about marriage proposals but generally with all people?"

I answered in the affirmative. I always feel I should understand a person before I try to understand why he says or does something. I am amiable to whatever they want in their lives as long as it does not affect me or I feel its not wrong.

Shyla Aunty chipped in, "He even asks the girl what is her blood group, her sun sign, how she prays, does she know how to cook,clean, mingle with her family, her school days, college days etc like as if its some recruitment drive!"

Mary Sister then sighed and said," Listen, I think he is doing the right thing. It is good he did not marry till now because he has himself yet to realize why he ends up having a phobia to marriage despite he liking the girl or why he gives so much importance to the smallest things!"

She then said something which was like a slap on my face, "Lijoe is a orphan in this world though he has everyone."

There was silence, granny's face became indignant. Mary Sister continued," A child who has seen his mother for 40 days and was then brought up till 3 years by relatives, however much loved, will always feel that his mother abandoned him. And the bond between mother and child is supposed to be the ultimate bond man can have. Whatever reason you say a child will never understand it and it will always remain etched in him. As an adult he will try to accept it with reasoning, but a event as traumatic as this in a child, will always remain a scar in his life."

"So then when he is given a few days to decide if a girl is to be his wife, will he not naturally be apprehensive that she will abandon him if she cannot accept something about him or his family? Can he love someone thinking they will be there for him always? Such a person will he trust God to take care of him when the very person who brought him to this world had to let him go for whatever genuine reasons to be brought up by relatives? His logic today helps him understand those reasons but as a child he was programmed to feel possessive and apprehensive about whatever he gets because it was always taken away from him. We say parents are the Gods' representatives to a child on earth. So if they have let him go to his relatives care, will he feel God/Parents loves him enough?"

She continued, "By the time he loved his grandma and grandpa, he was taken back to his parents. He had to then readjust life. This exchange kept continuing due to whatever reasons in his life. It could be a reason why he feels so much out of place."

I was still shell shocked because though these thoughts did pass through my mind when I tried to analyze myself, I never felt it makes a bearing in me. I wonder if its why I still feel such a aching deep in my heart even with distance and no reciprocation from my loved ones...It could also be the reason why I am apprehensive about life and always worry about what the other thinks.

Consciously we can change many things in life, but to how much or to what point, positive thinkers can just highlight. All I know about myself is each time I fall, I still get up to walk, knowing that I will fall and knowing that no one can understand it.. for them I will just be that a memory of the past while they live happily in their future. Nothing wrong, I wish them the best only.

Sister Mary then did try reminding me to understand why my parents had to send me to my relatives as if I never understood it. I fully accept it and never question my family on it.

But yes when I am hurt and lonely and cannot share what I feel I still do think, why was it me and not someone else over there...

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Well written . Very touching

Well written . Very touching . :)


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