Am I that bad a person?

chakky's picture

There is a Divine retreat center in a place called Muringoor,near Chalakudy in Kerala. This place is as the words say a Divine Retreat. A place a person goes to spend whole week with only himself and God. Miracles happen by the thousands and some times people come back changed from the experience. It is as the priests tell you, a attempt to bring back faith in your life....


Well one of the first things they do when you reach there is to point out every possible mistake you can do in your life. This is then repeated till you feel like you are the biggest sinner in the world and you repent. Finally they read to you the words from the Bible that says how God came to this world to forgive these very sins and so you should consider you are forgiven.


End of the week, you come out all refreshed and focussed. Your heart is filled with spirtuality and you eye every act you do balancing it on the weighscales of the Good and Bad which your conscience has now clearly defined itself...


After a month, the reinforcements you had slowly wear off and you slowly head back to your normal life maybe a little better. But some people it remains forever.


Now you may be thinking why this discourse on Divine Retreat. Well for the past one week I was in one similar situation in office and for a moment I got transported back to 1996 when I went for my one and only one retreat experience.


Over the past one week, I have been accused of having asked back for favors done, of having feminine qualities of emotion, of being selfish, not understanding and even ruining lives. To some people my bloated face even reminds them of animals..All day I just hear negative comments/puns the minute I land into office. My only worth it does seems to me my genuine concern and confidence to take on tough things though it fails. In trying is the word that is used.


Add to it my over weight situation made me relive my past glories and when I did so, I felt like I went for a retreat as suddenly I feel I want to do everything perfectly, I want to become someone I was once before ...


Now you may think, is it wrong reminding people of the favors done to them? Well yes, its considered the biggest sin.


When a person saves your life and when you live the rest of your life and do things without for one moment thinking what would have that person expected about you while saving your life, don't you think you need to be reminded?


Well personally I am reminded every day how God graced my life and if God's messengers can do it and be considered holy, then I wonder why I am so despised for this quality...


Feminine qualities, I dont know, God makes my eyes swell with tears faster than I would like to. Unless angry, you can always expect me to meekly surrender to any questioning of my integrity, personality or even my defects. Now that feminine quality differentiates me but is it good or bad? I dont know any longer for I feel people find pleasure in saying things they feel best judges me... Maybe they are trying to help by making me more masculine.... :). They no longer want the Chakky they know or thought they knew. They see things beyond it..


The list goes on and I felt for once instead of complaining to a human being who would by now have attacked me back saying I reminded the person of the favors I did him so that I can vent out my frustrations in lieu of the person trying to judge me ... I can moderate the comments atleast if someone feels like commenting on whatever I think...


Sounds crazy right! I felt too thats why wrote it down...


Am I that bad a person? Only on my death bed will I know.. Till then I will keep getting both sides of the coin...












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